Reality Check Then and Now
A glimpse back to THEN:
22 May 2018
Yesterday started blue, but turned out happy.
This month, almost 9 months after my husband passed away, his birthday month and mother's day, is tough. Yet in the same time, we are getting into the rhythm of our new life.
So last week, I had 28 new Challengers, some very special, sentimental. Bumping into Johannes and Chanel before the week start, nearly fainted of the memory having that very special last Couple's Challenge together with them. Incredible gratitude towards God for blessing us with Arthur and Tracy, they really are the masterminds behind the couples Challenges, and in a short space of time, those Couple's Challenges just took our marriage to a beautiful, new dimension.
Men normally don't chat a lot on these Challenges, so when we do come across guys doing these Challenges, they are extraordinary!! Of course one of the 1st Couples Challenges we did, with Brad and Vicky, when Brad send in his MTB exercise pic at Day 4 Challenge, my husband's competitiveness took over. Whether Brad is a "dominee" or not.
So it is very, very special to have been at they're church, last time ever as family together. Thank you to Vicky for sharing her exercise on her Challenge group yesterday, and the whole amazing groups last week, just inspired me.
I didn't even wait till Day 4 Challenge to exercise. (I hated outdoors and exercise before.) We got out of our depression hiding and really had a joyful walk with dogs and then again without the dogs, “sommer” on a Monday. Got side tracked with possible photos for Shutterstock. Heard about it from Rushka Johnson, and I am humbled by her, incredible human being, home school celebrity and organic farmer guru. Huge respect for that lady.
Lots of fun yesterday, and sitting here now, thinking back off the past weekend, exhausted, sick and emotional Saturday. Then even more emotional Sunday to witness a baptism for the 1st time, with my children and without my husband..... What an impression.
I am so proud of our children, for they're choices in friends, and though it's been tough choices, as through Herbalife there are 2 amazing couples in our team with awesome local churches, I think we have found a spiritual home at Jeffreysbay Bible church. But I am still praying about it, for now, my children are happy and receiving spiritual nutrition and exercise.
Actually, I woke up in tears Sunday morning, tired of putting up a face with some negative people in my life. And WOW, was God spot on with the message pastor Wynand gave. Late for church and all, I was at the right place and walked out of church, with so much peace and joy, determined to pray more for those people hurting me and my children, with they're fears and negativity. They're judgements and critic.
We are still happy, we are at peace and we have so much faith in God, we have no fear for our future.
So yesterday morning started with exams for us, very exciting for my son, less exciting for my daugher.
We had interruption of visitor, and where I at first thought this was for business, it turned out to be a genuine, sincere visit, seizing opportunity while near our far, isolated house.
I think, that lifted our spirits a lot. Especially my children's, as I am connected with Herbalife, looking forward to see faces of people over South Africa on Tuesday Zoom training calls.
You won't ever imagine what a blessing Herbalife can be to a widow and single mother, till it becomes your reality.
In between exams yesterday, my amazing daughter help assisted me with dream come true, and still work in progress, website and blog.
Bolla and me both, will forever be super proud of our children. Our son was finished with his exams super fast, and bothered me very nicely every hour, till where he persisted in having Epic book app, I heard from at Janet Kieswetter blog. Loads of respect too for this amazing home school mom and legend!!
Anyway, it's not always easy. Saturday the water pipe got disconnected, so we had water, but not getting in the house, and boy, am I thankful for my brother-in-law being nearby to fix it, as now it's gloriously raining and our farm crew not here this week.
Somehow, we get by, no matter how tough sometimes, always choosing to be thankful for what we had, still have and forever will have.
Thank God for the beautiful sound of rain. I am praying that all and everybody's dams fill up with precious water.
Carpe Diem!
CONTACT ME to find out about our 5 Day Eat Clean Challenges
What is happening NOW:
5 August 2022
To have this blog, is a dream come true.
Just like all dreams, when it finally happen, it is not always as you imagined.
For starters, I never imagined my blog will be to encourage other widows. Trust me, this week, I have experienced a miracle of how God provided yet again for us. Widow’s are very near and dear to God.
When lockdown happen, that hurt us and many other people financially, emotionally and in many other ways.
I stood strong for very long, for someone like me.
I am special needs with learning disability, and absolutely, for sure not socially adaptable.
This year started with me giving in, bitterness consumed me, and as Christian women, I feel like a failure and so ashamed.
Out of my revengeful actions, something out of my control happened. It was intertwined with an instruction from God. Two times I heard God’s voice and midst of challenging circumstances obey.
The first one, was something prophesied over me long ago, and my pastor’s wife and two close friends who helped me, all agreed, the timing and instruction is right.
It was prophesied over me that I will speak before many people. So I had my very first motivational talk, at a widow’s retreat. 40 degrees heat all of a sudden that day. It was a holy experience, which I will share more as the Holy Spirit lead me. Next day it rained and was very cold.
As a result, I got ill, which as single mother in business, was not fun at all and this leaded to another situation. (Set up by something else that happened out of my control too!)
At the time I thought this is all happening for a reason, just stay positive, practice what I preach in my own motivation speech to those incredible strong widows.
At first I thought, I had know idea what God is up too, but the whole incident caused me to remember so many memories I deliberately hidden far away in my mind. For 4 years I had selective amnesia. Blissfully in denial of my reality as widow.
(By then I wish I could re-do that motivational talk about widows for widows! I had no idea what the hard reality is.)
I was forced to deal with lies from the enemy anew about the past me, within short three days. Oh the timing then!!!
Just as I planned to finally give away my husband’s clothes.
It was the worst pain to go through.
I ended up only giving his work overalls away, as my son don’t want to let go of the rest.
In that moment (my whole body literally trembling with pain and while I felt like I lost my mind) and had to face so many hurt; in that moment, I did something (totally out of my character) which set of a chain of events.
In hindsight, I don’t think anything can ever top this whole ordeal and experience EVER! Looking down deeper into it, I still don’t know is this from God, or not.
However, amazing testimony that I can not share, as there are just to many people involved; but for sure, beautiful, mastermind setup. Past & Present!!!
I feel like am I the only one to appreciate the detail God has taken, with so many people for so many years, to set it up to these MOMENTS IN TIME.
I rebelled against God about this situation and I feel like I totally messed up big time, because of my own selfishness and pride. Wrongful judgement of things I am guilty of myself.
Actually mind blowing and kind of leaving me dumb struck, with what on earth (heaven or hell) was that?
As it still feel like WOW, what just hit me? My heart is breaking about the whole situation, and I am reminded of that feeling, at the moment next to my husband’s death bed, that there is no reset button.
One thing I know for sure, my God will let everything work out for the best for me, and for everyone. God just have a beautiful way of turning a mess into a message.
I was faced with a mirror image of something of the person who I used to be. I was tempted into bitterness and un-forgiveness of things I thought I dealt with and put behind me long ago already.
It was, NO, it is NOT very nice to be faced with the horrible person I used to be in the past. It hurt very bad to remember.
I needed that reality check, I needed to break and cry, I needed to remember some things. It took ALL my strength to stay focused, trying my best to be obedient to God, but my goodness, what an incredible test to have gone through, and I am not sure, did I pass or fail?
Yet, God is good and kind, forgiving, graceful and merciful. Still, it is not all about me. I feel horrible that I am being impacted by other people’s struggles and sadness. Also that other people are affected negatively by my bitterness and grief process.
I also think it was needed for me to realize what a bad person I was, what a sinner I still am. Far from the perfect Christian women at all. THEN, that relief I can’t safe myself, Jesus died for me, in my place and He loved me then, now and forever. When I am weak, God is strong.
At times, I don’t know what I am doing, am I right or am I wrong.
I can just cling on to Rom 8:28!
So this week, I am getting a little bit of a break and a breather. Just a little bit of from the road I have to travel se often.
Not many people really know the whole truth of my circumstances.
Trust me, it is so much harder than I often realize myself, and with sheer stupidity and will power, for sure by lots of grace by God, we have made it so far.
This week I could actually attend cell group again, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been there this year.
I also had the privilege of attending my own church small group.
What a blessing it is to get into other believers fellowship, to hear a message from God, to be inspired and to pray together. To testify of answered prayers.
Last night’s message about discernment. Something that was mentioned, discernment are surely to be fine tuned regularly, consistently. Through experience comes more wisdom. Definitely also something we can pray for and ask from God.
You can imagine, with a learning disability, where it takes up to 10 times of repetition for me to hear, understand and learn something, that I am in trouble.
My only defense and hope is that God really have supernatural favor, grace and protection for me.
I struggle with life.
The one person that criticized me many, many years ago…. THAT I heard once and remember forever.
You don’t deserve to be a Mother.
It still hurts and I was to young to discern who and why, that lie from the enemy, came from.
The same person also said to me right after my husband’s death, money gets finished.
One person. And I am so sorry out of my bitterness because of that, I attacked back. I feel like I will never be good enough. Well, the money is finished now, my parenting feels finished too.
The wheels are falling of after near 5 years as single parent.
We have a lot going for us, unfortunately also a lot against us.
I am desperately trying to put the past behind me, forgive and forget everyone, and pray to God everyone can forgive me to, so that I can move into complete new season.
FIVE
I am the oldest if 5 children.
I waited 5 years for my husband.
Our children is 5 years apart.
By 30 August it will be 5 years since my husband passed away.
Apparently five’s biblical meaning is GRACE! Of which I got A LOT!
I have 9 more years left to manage my husband’s inheritance to my son.
My intentions was good, to work hard and give back to him his inheritance better than I received it. To build on, on what me and my husband started and dreamed off.
We would have been much better of, if not for lockdown and the war between Russia & Ukraine affecting everything. I so much, desperately wanted to be successful and proof my own self worth. However, what is the point? In the end everything comes to nothing, and we can take nothing with when we die. There are more important things.
YET, we still have so much to be thankful for.
Even though my children felt like they have lost they’re only other living parent, and after all the hard work to finally get where we are now, it’s still going to be a fight to make a good lving.
The question is, is it a good living in the world’s eyes, or in God’s eyes?
I want to start to live for now.
I want to enjoy life. I want to be myself.
I want to be a mother to my children again.
Living my Godly purpose on earth.
I am tired of the expectations that my family, children and society put on me.
I don’t want to do this selfishly, but I DON’T want to be pressed into a form that I am not.
I like myself.
I am weird and different, a dreamer, scattered and absolutely not perfect.
I am trying to be a lawfully, good citizen.
Most of all, I try to be a good ambassador of Christ and a good human being.
Which include to be a good Mother.
I miss my own Mother to go to for advice.
This week we launched our local BNI Chapter. I wish I could shared this with her, and it was bittersweet as my morning started with that spectacular business event and end with taxpayer meeting, where a connection there recalled the person, health inspector of our hometown, that sold that first Herbalife to my Mom, being connected then with her as member of the town council and secretary of the Business Chambers.
I will never come near the greatness of my own Mother.
I am thankful for my dearest Mother-in-law being the greatest blessing in my life and the closest person who I will dare to call my idol.
There is no comparison though, as she is remarkably strong in a whole other way as my own Mother.
I pride myself for giving my Mother-in-law a good quality of life, that she was accustomed too, when my husband (her son) was alive.
I pray she will still walk this journey with us for many more blessed years.
Still I don’t know, what I do, if I am right or wrong, yet my intentions are with the greatest of love.
For now, I need to retreat and rest a bit.
Re-group and ask for help.
I am tired, but I will never give up and never stop fighting.
A fight, which I am thankful to finally be fighting more on my knees in prayer again.
God’s will be done, always.
Whatever your circumstances, hang in there, don’t give up, just give everything to God and start thanking Him for your ourcome already.
18 September 2022
I somehow hope miraculously 1 September, new season Spring will bring new beginnings for me….. Marking the start of the 6th year as widow and single parent.
But I am exhausted by now, mostly emotionally facing so many memories. Also facing the fact that I am getting older.
I pushed through difficulties and actually can’t believe myself the incredible grace from God and beautiful people.
Maybe Spring are going to start a month late for me. God’s beautiful timing is always perfect. I am learning to trust Him more and more to provide for us daily.
I am battling to find the courage to get started with the beautiful calling of 5 Day Challenges, for couples and families. It is not only hard for me emotionally, but financially things are tough for so many people to focus on eating healthy. Yet, the purpose hear is to enable healthy bodies, for healthy mind and spirit, and healthy happy marriages and families, AND COMMUNITY!!! May God give me strength to do this again and adapt to the current times.
Yesterday, a Saturday, we had the incredible privilege in town to be all our separate ways with friends. My daughter with her variety of friends, my son with his friends at home and me being blessed yet again by new friend, beautiful lady I crossed paths with and meeted by devine appointment on a beach walk.
It was beautiful day yesterday, very relaxing and much needed.
The incredible connections with our past however, it is so hard sometimes to face. There is no running away. I am battling to forgive and forget completely. I am praying sincerely that God can help me get over my bitterness, for what I believe of a life that has been stolen from me.
Fully realizing that when you blame, 3 fingers point back at yourself….. Mostly I think, the devil is the thief who came to steel and destroy, BUT GOD!! God will still restore unto us that was stolen from us. My greatest prayer that we can all come together in peace and reconciliation. In love, unconditional love as families and communities.
I miss my husband and my Mom’s guidance and how they ruled me and how they provided and protected me.
Yet, how beautiful to testify to my children currently, God has provided miraculously daily!
I keep hearing:
WALK BY FAITH
and not by sight.
Thank you for reading my thoughts, memories and part of the story of my life.
I truly pray you are blessed in abundance in whatever your circumstances are.
Love, peace and blessings,
Daisy
PS:
As always, excuse the mistakes. I have OCD, but I am not a perfectionist..
Still a work in progress. (Always & Forever)
Please contact me with any advice on how to improve. :) )
To find out more about Herbalife or our farm guestshouse, send me a message in CONTACT.
DISCLAIMER:
These are my thoughts based on the story and testimonies of my life story, to whom I give God all the glory for. I respect people of all walks of life and all religions. However, I choose to believe and stay grounded in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
Click on the link below to see article about five biblical meaning grace.
