God is in control.

13 April 2020

To share this testimony has been on my heart for a long time, and I don’t know how to do it. I am terrified to do, and confess my sin of disobedience to God to avoid several times to do this. I just saw a decent FB challenge now to share a prayer or testimony, I won’t tag people, but in these times, this is a challenge worthy of giving in to.

My intention also is not to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I am so sorry for the people involved in this testimony, especially in our very small community. I also don’t have intentions to open fresh wounds. The message however is this:

God is in control of who live and die.

There is a time for everything.

Yesterday morning, which marked the 4 month anniversary of my Mother’s passing away, God really pressed this again on my heart.

For the past 3 years now almost, we have been going through a very difficult time, since my Mom’s first stroke. During that time, my very wise husband made a remark, everyone always worry about the sick one, sometimes the healthy one die first.

Then it happened to be him, young and fit, dying suddenly from what started with a flue....

After his death, bad things happen to ruin family relationships. Which we JUST sorted out short before my Mom’s passing away.

That last 3 months my Mom lived, was very exhausting. I tried to be with her as much possible, while still considering my dear mother-in-law, trying my best to fight for my husband’s family heritage, yes, for our children, but priority nr 1 was to honor my mother-in-law, who in a way, lost the most when my husband, her only son, died.

So after the New Year, I battled with a flue myself from my Mom’s dying bed, from sleeping in hospital waiting room through the night and hot summer days. Christmas and New Year, battled with water on the farm and struggling with fully booked guestshouse. While still not feeling healthy, but having no choice to work and want to keep busy. In the process to run away from facing reality. There is that phase after losing a loved one, where you are on autopilot.

Finally, as we got home, and just try to rest and process everything....

I remember me and my daughter sitting opposite each other. Just staring blank in front of us, having a morning snack, on our way into town after that, to do something urgent for someone else.

My daughter took note for the first time, that our neighbors on one side, who we don’t know yet, let down two buckets with ropes, one with food and one with water for our dogs.

Even though we weren’t here much, our dogs always had food and water as arranged, the neighbors just could not see it. However, over hot summer days, the fresh water was very thoughtful.

My daughter is very strict and didn’t like this at all, for we don’t know what is in the food and water, and as she put it back on the wall between us and our neighbors, it fell over. It made a mess and was an accident, but I scolded her unnecessarily harshly, more out of grief and anger about other things.

During this incident, we received a voice note on our community Emergency group.

Normally I never listen, however, for some reason I listened then and I heard this emergency call is 3 houses from us. It was a matter of life and death, and I knew my daughter have abilities to save a life and I said to her GO!!! Then double check and made sure with her if she is OK to go, she confirmed and she rushed off.

I still waited 5 minutes to cool off and pull myself together, thinking, let me drive there, as we must go to town urgent, to help someone else. Honestly with conficence, expecting my daughter would have resolved this situation positively by now.

Well, arriving there, they didn’t let my daughter in, because they didn’t know us that well yet and she’s just 16. It took me another minute to gather myself and ask them to please let my daughter go in.

My daughter got a pulse briefly, then the ambulance staff arrived, and sadly another young girl the same age as her died. In front of her....

We we’re traumatized anew!!! As we left from there, we walked straight into another very, very testing situation for me and my daughter.

I mean the timing!! As I left her literally collapsing on the floor, sitting against a wall, head on her arms, in public in the mall, I walk into another situation. I had to go get something and honestly, I had no idea how I remained calm.

When we finally went home, we we’re defeated! This story is not all mine to share, but my side!

I felt like a murderer! I felt this was my fault, if I went immediately with daughter, possibly that girl could have still been alive!!

No one better than us know by now, how horrible it is to lose a loved one to death.

Next morning with loadshedding, I charge my cellphone in the car, causing my car batteries to go flat, my car tyre also went flat, and things we’re just horribly depressed!!! We had no transport and independence.

We didn’t leave the house, we we’re screaming on each other and I had to ask a favor from someone to come fetch my children for a birthday invite. It is so hard for me to ask help. We used to be the ones giving help.

At some point, we sit down around the table to eat, and I wanted to do communion and Bible study, and I just couldn’t!

I was so defeated, and I just desperately pleaded, please God, send someone to help us miraculously.

I forgot about it, but my one friend, who was already an answer to a prayer, she called me and talked to me and ask, must we come and help. (Maybe the kids mentioned to them our situation is desperate.)

I said no, with very teary voice, no, you have already done so much for us.

However, come the soonest opportunity, sacrificing yet again they’re Saturday during holidays, they showed up 3 days after this girl died, fixing our car in a flash, leaving us with tools to sort out a flat battery and slow puncture tyre alone in the future.

They even went beyond this, they had a friend with them, who just visited my 1st pastoral mentoring couple.

A mutual connection.

The whole conversation went religious direction, with them uplifting me and assuring me to not fall for the lies of the devil.

As I felt like I am the reason everyone die, my husband, my Mom, this girl!!! They shared some very related testimonials and reminded me of a few fundamentals. Like putting on the armor of God, which was so spot on. And that God is in control of everything.

My husband also believed, when it is your time, it is your time. So they we’re right, I can’t blame myself for anyone’s death.

It definitely has nothing to do with me, but the devil played on my weakness.

For me, what uplifted me, was how quickly God answered a desperate, small and weak prayer, which I l prayed with my eyes open, looking my children in the eyes hopelessly.

To my amazing friend who helped us by now, through so many difficult things, I pray abundantly many blessings over them.

So this is not easy to share, especially in these times. Because one thing we have learned, death is not final!

And I am talking about on earth, not even as in heaven, but on earth. I don’t have the courage to face the relatives of this girl. I actually avoid anyone that I need to sympathize with losing loved ones to death.

I am so sorry. I was so angry that day, as I love this amazing community we lived in and was so much looking forward to get more involved here.

I was so angry at my Mom for not taking better care of herself, I was angry at everyone making our lives so difficult, that we didn’t have time to be more involved in this community, so that the Emergency group could have known to let my daughter in sooner!!!! Angry at myself for waiting 5 minutes and not getting over myself sooner and my hurts and emotions sooner!!!

I was really angry at God too, for allowing all this hurt.

But now I know that God is in control always.

Now we are stuck in lockdown. In the face of this virus, please don’t fear death. When it is your time, it is your time, you are supposed to be ready always. Look at this virus in the same way someone receiving the news they have 2 weeks or 3 months to live, what a privilege, a privilege we didn’t have.

I had to come to terms that my husband is dying in ONE HOUR, we never had a chance to say goodbye. Our children missed being by his side when he gave he’s last breath, with 20 minutes. It was heartbreaking. Yet, we still have so much to be thankful for and are still so blessed with tremendous grace from God. Life isn’t always fair or predictable.

Don’t get caught up in fear now. I initially was paralyzed with fear of the unknown now in lockdown. However, by now in my life, I have learned that God have the power to let bad things, work out for the better, for those who believe.

I pray this is received well, with the sincere intentions I had to obey God to with this testimony.

Love

Daisy