Living Intentionally
29 March 2021
Today, was a good day.
Tomorrow it will be 3 years and 7 months since our lives had been turned upside down by the horror of my husband’s death.
Yesterday, was a very interesting Sunday. We started with a 3km hike at Kabeljauws reserve.
I normally go with 2 elderly ladies, that walk with incredible speed. Their eyes were sharp and quick to spot interesting stuff, but yesterday I took my son and 2 of his friends and it was a slower pace.
The familiar path looked unfamiliar, and I noticed more beautiful things and took the time to take photos.
I was late for church, missed out on worship and praise, but as always, the most amazing spiritual nourishment, strength and support I get there. Oh, the power of prayer!
So today.....
After many battles, we had a normal day. Like things used to be, when my husband was alive.
Work from home and homeschool. Not completely perfect. Kid’s got to go to the gym, but I am fighting bad habits of emotional food binging and Netflix or YouTube binging. It’s a mental block to start exercising again.
A LOT has happened!
Sometimes it feels too much to process, and then my only comfort is the amazing grace of God.
3 years and 7 months and we haven’t “arrived” yet. There are still a couple of things to finalize and deal with. Subconsciously there is a level of fear holding me back.
That last week my husband lived, our lives we’re PERFECT! We had so many plans and dreams, the future looks brilliant! And I looked in the mirror, smiling, happy, glowing and thought if I die, this was enough! I am thankful for the short time of blissful happiness. And then shortly after this happy and content moment, my husband died..... My beautiful and near perfect, very good, irreplaceable husband.
The last year out of 21 years together, was the happiest, out of which the first 20 years was stormy, with fighting, poverty, struggles and so many dramas. I wanted to give up many times. That last year my husband was a changed man and he promised we will start taking leave and he will spend more time with us. So I am having a very hard time subconsciously settling into a routine, apart from the heartbreak slow progress of my children to let go of their Dad’s personal items in the house.
I feel like a failure in people’s eyes because I am super slow compared to some super fast people in my close circle of family and friends.
But yesterday, I just realized anew, whether we do this fast or slow, we eventually do finish the journey.
However frustrating slow I even feel to myself, I feel like a conqueror today. For one normal day with my two children at our beautiful home that God blessed us with.
We made it through another month. With food, electricity and washing powder, toilet paper and toothpaste. Trust me, it is not easy for a widow and single parent to get all things done every month. I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I am thankful to finally arrived at this season we are in now.
