A collection of memories.

23 June 2020

Obedience to God is the ultimate!

I fail so often, my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. In the end, it takes consistent discipline.

People are so quick to judge.

I am special needs, so I don’t always have the “skills” to think before I talk or do. Thank God, with age there defnitely do come some wisdom.

People also don’t understand when I try to explain, I am sorry, I have been diagnosed with bipolar depression and OCD by a homeopathic doctor, but it MIGHT have just been a 20 year front tooth absess (and mercury fillings) causing the same symptoms. Potentially was about to kill me in a path to my brain.

I had one year of super normal life, after all my mercury fullings and front steel tooth have been removed. Anwer to a prayer for healing, then my husband died.

Nobody even knew I was super normal that last year. I prayed, please God, just let me be like normal people…. All they remember is the old me. The bad past. The crazy, nagging, jealous, possessive, obsessive wife of a poor workaholic dairy farm manager.

After my husband’s death, it felt like all hell broke loose on us. I really talk about accidents and trauma continuesly.

So I am sorry, currently I am recovering from PTSD, and I choose to be medicine (pharmaceutical drugs) free. I don’t have time and money to go for a re-assessment now.

I would love a debate of the power we have as “Christians”.

Just out of personal experience.

The people who look at me, judge me, criticize me, ignore me, belittle me, etc.

They paralyze me, struck with fear of rejection.

Then I have the incredible privilege of some amazing people, appreciating me, acknowledging me, praising me, telling me I am enough, I am sincere, I am good, I am doing my best.

They patiently, consistently give me assurance!

Encourage me to reach for my dreams.

They release me to breathe, to move, to try! To go at my own pace, to not compare!

So I often wonder about life.

I am amazed at how selfish most people live! Me included!

I am my parent’s oldest princess. I actually am a spoiled brat, used to be a snob! I am a very spoiled wife and mother. (I was, I used to be - past tense…)

You never know what you had, before you loose it.

You also never realize before you don’t go through something self, how much worse your situation can become.

We need to live with gratitude, full out everyday.

I am still not completely healed. Just as I think I have reach some sort of balance of forgiveness, something new surface and scratch open old wounds.

Someone very wise said to me recently, and actually a couple of people said to me, I struggle with unforgiveness and bitterness.

I realized they are right. I am battling daily to forgive.

I am truly sorry to people I have hurt, with my words and actions. It was never intended

Eversince I got married, the unfairness of our situation was shocking!

For people to tell me to pray and give it to God, was right, but sometimes, you need to act with knowledge and wisdom and don’t let people use you unfairly.

I am not sure I have all the correct knowledge, trust me, I pray and mediate a lot.

I seek advice and counsil from my church leaders, accountant, attorney and consultant.

And still it is not easy. I lay awake at night, and I fully realize that real life people are affected by my decisions, words and actions.

I am trying my best, for my husband’s legacy and my children’s inheritance.

I am not idolizing my husband, but I will love him forever, and I will forever fight for widows and fatherless children.

I am striving for history to not repeat itself.

I am taking a different route. Whether it is right or wrong, time will only tell.

Just horrible that this big decision, must collide with worst year possible!

23-6-2022

If not for the worst year because of lockdown, I wouldn’t have had the courage to make a change for the better. Yet, this year started with Ukraine / Russian war and it is for sure unprecedented times for me as widow to live in.

Some treasures I saved, borrowed from other people’s posts:

23 June 2019

Really so emotional now.

What a journey. I am not sure what happened 4 years ago to share my favorite quote.

But the events of past two years are very fresh still. Shocking enough to really want to flat me.... if it didn’t all happen to me, I would have never believe this is possible.

Yet, it still could have been much worse and we still have a lot to be thankful for.

I finally unpacked all the kitchen stuff today.

Nearly 5 months settled in our town house, 2nd school holiday.

Snotty from flue and fever, this is not how I imagined my day, but it is done.

I feel lighter.

However thinking, if the memories with the kitchen stuff was so painfull, there is still the office stuff and clothing closets to be sorted.

I feel guilty and selfish to have pushed my children to sort out the pile of boxes in the garage last week. I feel terrible to want it all be sorted out before the 2nd year anniversary of my husband’s departure to eternity.

(Still not all sorted after near 5 years.)

I wanted to get angry.

As we returned from Cape Town, on our way back I stopped at our accountant.

For the 1st time, annual meeting without my husband. Nearly after two years, but my accountant has really been of very valuable assistance right from the start, after my husband passed away so suddenly, with best advice.

I said, we had a lot of resistance causing a lot of damage. Emotional and financial.

Things could have been so much different. He said a true thing, put it behind me.

Forgive and Forget.

I really appreciate that one hour consultation, with amazing Christian advice. Extra advice, apart from accounting consultation.

So midst of my daughter not feeling well too today, the dogs fighting again, out of the blue and my son acting like a joker with his friend here, I finally take half a day to slowly unpack years of memories, midst of all, still focusing on Herbalife too. Worship music really saved the day here.

Messy day, but now we are going to watch a movie and tomorrow....

New week, last week of June.

Holiday Club and gymnastics.

Almost 2 more months to two years.

Nobody ever is promise tomorrow, but if I can just make it though this 2nd winter without our superhero.

Only by God’s Grace!🙏🏼

Dedicated to my late husband who’s love of music carries on in our children.

23 June 2014

Good Day Friends!

We are having lovely sunny and nice winter's days. The past weekend while my dear hubby did his very fist 135km MTB practise, gone for the whole of Saturday, the kids and me had picknick and try to get as much sun as possible.

Yesterday too, one of my dreams to be more active and more outside, and one of my son's dreams on his dreamboard ticked off, the whole family of 4 went cycling and we finished our day on the beach. It is absolutely terrible to be inside on this lovely day today, but we are still waiting for our KENWEB Exam CD to come with slow mail. Bit of a dissappointment, but more time to still learn and prepare.

I am in my second day of fasting and are feeling great. The aim is to die of yeast and candida, as after I cheated a bit with my hubby's birthday and giving in to winter cravings, I just coudn't stop eating wrong stuff. So far I am feeling great, thanks to lots of NRG. Starting back on shakes only tommorrow, with Kefir yoghurt stock well build up after 2 days, to give me a head start and ready for any detox symptoms. Also started Oil pullling with coconut oil this morning.

Try and try again, but I am going to win the fight against bad sugar!! :) Listen to your instinct when it comes to your body. Drink plenty of clean water, get as much sun as possible in the winter and take care!

Have a great week! Peace & Blessing to everybody :)

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23 June 2021

The power was supposed to be off yesterday in town and I missed the notice, that it changed to today!

So whole day without power. First time ever for me to use a gas cooker, all by myself.

The last time it was used by my husband, the last week he lived. So the memories flood again today.

We had our day planned to play with some healthy Herbalife recipes, but when the power finally went on, when we just started baking, and charging phones, I realized I had Alpha online.

My son made two round cakes and 1 milktart, while I was attending church at home online.

What an absolute blessing of amazing son I have.

Not as we planned, but these are going to Tsitsikamma. Hopefully we can bake more tomorrow.

However, after almost 4 years since my husband passed away, I am finally wanting to bake again.

23 June 2022

Tommorrow it is my 5th birthday as widow.

Today where I am typing here now, interesting, super unbelievable random moment in time, facing some ghost of the past and really awkward situation.

STORY OF MY LIFE!!!

Yesterday!!!!! What a day!!

DEVINE APPOINTMENTS

There is no way I can describe yesterday. I wish I could have record it.

So surreal, two incidents much similar, in row in the afternoon.

Last night, oh my goodness, nothing could have prepared me. Connections that I have blogged about and I carefully wondered if I must share it.

I did.

It hurts and the story is still ongoing. However, the beautiful gift of grace and forgiveness while sharing precious conversations and Bible verses over the dining table.

Something I used to be raised with, and something I desperately missed.

My mind racing frantically what is God up too, while savoring these precious HOLY MOMENTS and feeling so special loved by God (or special being potentially set up by the devil, to be sidetracked from my purpose).

HOWEVER, I needed those conversations, I needed that assurance that there are still good men looking our for vulnerable women, and that I am appreciated, acknowledged, loved and protected by these wise, grey hair gentlemen.

I am HONERED for them being answer to a prayer. God couldn’t have send someone more perfect last night. It took my breath away.

This street that we live in, in the house that we obeyed to God’s voice, against a lot of opposition and critics to not buy this house.

Dedicated to the God send angel, who shared the beautiful story of how he and his wife meet and took the time, to not just do his neighborhood duties, but also be obedient to God.

We have experienced so many beautiful testimonies in this house already.

There is something else big going on, incredible testimony to God around forgiveness.

I don’t even feel worthy!!

I don’t feel my children are worthy of so many amazing people’s grace, mercy and goodwill towards us.

The devil is whispering to me, you have it easy, while other people are inconvenienced by us.

I only come to realization recently, and full acceptance with the term and the fact that I am indeed a widow.

I have not fully come to realization exactly how hard and difficult it is. Yet we are so blessed and we have so much to be thankful for.

Special days, like tomorrow are hard. It hit me and I have no control. I have been so strong so long, and I fear the moment when I give in and break.

If I can just get through this 5th winter, I am confident to rise stronger than ever in the Spring, to a new beginning.

Love,

Daisy

To our beloved Bolla, with tremendous gratitude for our heritage and the legacy he left behind.

5th Birthday as widow.