Hard truths!
23 Julie 2020
So here we are, back at the beginning….
19 April 1996 - I just knew I met my husband to be.
THE ONE - Love at first sight!
Five difficult and stormy years I prayed about it, and finally 20/10/2001 we got married.
And then.... Dairy farm manager life; a jail with open doors many call it.
Cinderella syndrome hit me.
My husband and me loved each other very much. I still love him and forever will.
Our story, I am not sure how to share, as the things done to us, happen to so many other. I don’t want to throw mud and hurt other people even more, than I did, in my struggle to defend myself.
I was accused of marrying my husband for his farm, yet to me it was told the farm is worthless, as there is no water.
(I walked away from so much more!)
A lot of people are witness to my battle, I went in search for help at women’s church group meetings, in essence, I searched for help from God, but really got hurt and disappointed even more. People mostly turn a blind eye, or chose to not interfere.
I submit to my husband, on his instruction I quit my job at my parent’s company. I left my family where I was used to independence, liberty and equal rights for women.
Every rand, every sent I made, I gave to my husband willingly.
I worked for him. I devoted myself to him and his dreams.
My husband was a victim of his circumstances as youngest son of a widow, losing his father at the young age of 4. The youngest son with two olders sisters who we’re very overprotective over they’re brother. They did almost everything for him. The times I tried to stand up for my husband on his behalf, he got unfairly punished by his employer. Me and my children suffered with him.
(The lesson I learned there is for women to not interfere, and try to handle things on her husband’s behalf. )
GO TO GOD FIRST ALWAYS!
10 years ago, by the grace of God, my husband won a free holiday through a work related product and company and for the first time he and our children had the privilege to fly.
I realized we need a new will, after our 2nd child had been born, and we all are traveling, so we quickly made a generic will.
6 months before my husband’s death, his best chilhood friend, died in a accident and the topic of updating our will came up, as that will was 8 years old by then.
My husband worked so hard, I had to do everything on his behalf. I made appointment and the attorney wanted to appoint me a sole beneficiary, I said, NO thank you, I want to inherit NOTHING from my husband. And I left. Will unchanged, however, by the grace of God, things worked out for the best. If I inherited my husband’s farm, I would have sold it in anger long ago already.
There are so many untold stories.....So many lies about me and who and what I am.
By the grace of God, we are provided for, but life insurance bought us a house in town and build a dam on a farm that will never be mine. The dam was an emotional decision, yet, also necessary backup for water. The insurance money just just lasted two years, to give me grace and space to cope with lots of battles, one of which was my Mom’s last two years on earth.
However, now I am in charge of something, I never will feel apart off, for the next 10 years, till where our youngest child is 23.
A fate decided, by us his parents, when he was just two years old. So that I can be taken care off, to take care of our children, in the scenerio like we are now, where I am the one parent left behind. Till where they can possibly finish after school education. (Which I don’t know if we will be able to afford that.)
Nobody ever even knew my husband own a farm. A farm he was gifted by my mother-in-law, before we we’re even married. He was so humble always.
I was conned into signing a pre-nuptial excluding me of everything. Not by my husband, but probably for his protection, because it was believed I was the reason our family transport business failing and nearly went bankrupt.
I was asked to make a sacrifice by my mother, for my Dad’s company, because there was still other children in school. (That is a whole other story, but I was grossly misjudged for too long, because of that situation.)
So to many people, my husband, me, and our children we’re nothing but the farm manager, his wife and children. We we’re often looked down on...
Anyway, almost 3 years later, since my husband passed away, I am still accountable and take responsibility.
I could have leave this place!
If I was a bad person, I would have leave.
Because I hated this farm! It stole our lives, the best years of our lives.
It is expensive to survive from here. The politics behind it all. It is a privilege, but also a burden.
I really want to run away from it and I thought I checked out of “Hotel California”.
Successfully managing the pain of my grief by keeping busy with guesthouse, to earn income to afford the upkeep of the maintenance.
Then lock down happen.
And things really got turned upside down.
It feels like a mess.
I remember, that last year my husband lived, after finally leaving his birthplace, making the greatest sacrifice for me, because I couldn’t be more happy to leave, but that last year, I mentioned to my husband I miss his farm.
The joy on his face, that I longed for his birthplace and maybe even love it a little.
One brief moment he let his guard down and showed his true emotions to me. When he was happy, I was happy. When I was happy, he was happy.
We both wanted to sacrifice for each other.
I am sorry for being such a selfish spoiled brat for so many years, it took his death to change me and to bring me down to my knees.
Anyway, horrible sad story we have.
But here I am, near 3 years later, still wearing my wedding ring, still being loyal to my amazing mother-in-law, still fighting for the best for my children’s inheritance on a farm in a country where farm murders are a harsh reality.
Attending hunting club and farm watch meetings women alone, thankful for amazing girlfriends who I can sit with.
This afternoon, I walk and discover what feel like a sacred open space in the bush nearby us and just all of a suddden the wind start to blow through the trees.
It was like a holy moment, as if the angels wings started to stir up a wind through the leaves, to communicate a message.
One amazing devine moment in time.
I fell in love with this farm.....After my husband’s death.
I am not a farm girl or outdoor person, but something in my soul changed this afternoon.
So here we are now for the past 3 weeks. Checked in, into our own guesthouse.
The tune of Welcome to the hotel Calfornia teasing me:
“Last thing I remember
I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
"Relax", said the night man
"We are programmed to receive
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave"
Jail with open doors. Beautiful jail.
Awesome space and place to find ourselves at for lockdown.
But this is a hard place to survive.
I would have NEVER kept my sanity, if not for the incredible blessings of Herbalife.
24 July 2022
Yesterday, as I read these memories, I bursted out in tears.
This morning, on my way to church, what song play on Algoa FM…….
HOTEL CALIFORNIA!
Yeah! Spooky!
I laughed at first and then, after all the surreal shit, pardon my language, but after some supernatural things we have experienced by now, I got quiet, and then determined, thinking:”Thank God I am on my way to church.”
As I am typing here, not completely sure if this is Holy Spirit instructed by God to publicly share this information.
It feels to me like things are a big mess, and I am the one to be put on the fire stake and to be blamed.
I am willing to take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for everything.
Our marriage suffered not by our own fault, even though I was an unruly wife at first. In the heat of arguments, I cursed my husband and his farm and now are suffering the consequences and are on my knees, praying for my own bad words and curses to be undone.
Not even touching the guilt I had to work through that I felt like I am responsible for my own beautiful husband’s death. I should have pray more for him, bless him more, care for him better.
I have forgiven everyone. (Including myself.) I know my beautiful husband would have, and in the end did, forgive me.
Yet, I am stuck with the responsibility and what feels like a big mess and failure.
I am sorry for being an open book and complicating things for so many people.
I only know one way, and that is the naked, bare truth. Maybe it is MY one sided truth, but what has been done to me and us, unfortunately happen with so many other people too.
I am tired of lies, putting up a face, pretending, protecting weakness.
I am also sorry for being too strong sometimes.
I would have not made it so far, five years of GRACE without tremendous favor by God.
In case people didn’t notice, I am hurting about the disappointment of the reality of life. For me and for so many other people.
I am desperately trying to share and speak up for those who can’t speak for themselves.
This morning in church, the message again - for sure, God is up to something beautiful.
GOD IS NOT DONE YET!
Love & Marriage
It’s a tale as old as time.
I truly pray for strong Godly men and leadership to stand up and for fairness to reach down from employers to employees, to make it possible for hard working men to be Godly heads of they’re homes.
One happy marriage affects 10 other marriages positively.
The greatest gift you can give your children, is the love between they’re parents.
Nobody knows for sure what the future holds.
None of our plans worked out. We can plan as we want, but God decides our ways on earth.
I wish I could give advice on how to be better prepared in the situation of becoming a widow.
Instead, I want to urge you, don’t go to sleep without making peace. Don’t let little things become mountains.
NEVER COMPLAIN!
If your husband is a workaholic, the intention of his heart is out of love. Even if he doesn’t show it.
If any men are reading here, give your wife assurance you are working hard because you love her.
Women need appreciation, assurance and validation. At least, good women does.
Appreciate and love each other with respect and honesty. Just my humble opinion.
Don’t wake up to realize what you had, before it is to late.
28 August 2022
In spirit I didn’t feel like it was the right time 24 July 2022 to publish this blog and then yesterday’s memory hit me hard again.
I am not looking back to my memories because I am stuck in the past on my husband. I am just looking back for the sake of capturing the information as part of a work of love, dedicated to God, in honor of my late husband and Mother, and my house assistant.
It is an urge out of my control to persist with this blog, a work I started with purest of intentions, something that I pray about with my pastor’s wife.
I continue to pray that it is an instrument in God’s Hands, as it definitely raise A LOT of eyebrows, even mine, to share the story of our lives publicly on a blog.
The intentions of my heart is good, with the childlike Faith and Hope that people will be affected positively.
YESTERDAY’S MEMORY:
27 August 2019
Since I can’t sleep....
Thank you God for literally breaking the light switch to prevent me from sleeping.
I am terrified to share what I knew I should have shared a long time ago.
And it is not my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings. I am actually clueless how do I share, how do I keep my own hurts out of this message that need to be shared.
Last week I went through hell. My close intimate circle of friends knew the ordeal and drama we went through. I am still in shock.
And yet, there are people going through much worse things. Even for me, the drama of life are continuing vigorously.
There are a lot of things happening simultaneously here and I am trying my best to stay afloat.
I have always been an open book, so first off, after my husband’s death, only the happy memories resonated.
It is difficult to explain, but I compared it to childbirth. The inconvenience of 9 months pregnacy and the pain of childbirth quickly dissapear, and in our cases, we experience a beautiful new baby.
Then you go through stages.
For us, things has been dragged out because of a lot of accidents and a lot of drama from people grieving bad. Not only grieving about my husband, but also struggling to deal with the course of events after my Mother’s stroke, two months before my husband passed away.
I still have not processed all and deal with it.
So the one thing I need to get of my chest is that our marriage was not perfect. At times it was hell. And it wasn’t because my husband and me didn’t love each other. We loved each other passionately, and love and hate are very close to each other. Like I was reminded yesterday and last week.
There are many people who know our story. I have been searching for help at churches mostly for our marriage.
A lot of people still now apparently have pity with my amazing husband, with a horrible, “bitch of a wife”, I supposedly was to my husband.
So much so, that they feel it they’re duty to still remind my children, who had unfortunately witnessed the often ugly sides of our marriage.
God only knows the truth.
In the end, when my husband stood up for me, and when we moved away from his birth farm, things changed.
There have been many wrong done to me, and it would for sure not be fair to my husband who can’t share his side of the story, to reveal all.
However, this a small town and lots of people talk, and we need to keep our heads high after what we have been through specially since May.
It is really, absolutely not my intention to hurt anyone, but it is not OK for men to just take a girl away from her family.
The Bible specifically say, the man shall leave his parents and cling on his wife.
I am actually to emotional still to share this now.
Relationships are extremely difficult.
It is only when you go through the same things with your children, that you understand what your parents went through.
And unfortunately, sometimes interfering family members, are the death blow to a new relationship, new marriage, new parents, new young families.
The last thing I want to do, is to do the same hurt to my children.
However, as widow, with extreme circumstances, I would appreciate some grace and understanding if I am a very over protective parent.
My philosophy has always been that I learn through mistakes and that when something bad happen, that God will let it work out for the good.
There are too much that I need to and that I want to share.
But, life is short.
Get over your issues faster.
Don’t wish bad on marriages.
If you don’t accept that daughter-in-law or sister-in-law, or son-in-law or brothers-in-law, you are hurting your own son or daughter / brother or sister, and future grand children.
In our case, what do people win, to keep on blaming me for the past, and many things.
Maybe if they got over they’re issues with me sooner, things could have been different.
Maybe if we we’re friends, and in stead of fighting over who can take care the best of my husband, maybe he could have still be alive.
But my husband said never to ponder on maybe’s. Nothing can bring him back and we need to end this battle.
I have apologized for things I wasn’t guilty of, just to try and keep the peace, in love for my husband. I am willing to do it again, for my children’s sake.
The problem isn’t me.... I am willing to go the extra mile always, if possible. To talk things out and I am willing to change, adapt and accommodate within good, reasonable boundaries for the sake of reconciliation and peace.
Yesterday morning, after a very stormy week, before school me and my children read scripture and prayed together, and I released and forgive everyone and prayed for our enemies; even before I saw Francois Le Roux’s heartbreaking FB video of his sister’s tragic death.
In our specific circumstances, two years after my husband’s death, while my mother now are in a battle for her life, REALLY, please, get over the issues you have with me.
Just because I am different, it doesn’t mean I am bad.
Who are you, or anyone, to judge me?
For people to punish my children because they don’t like me or how I am..... seriously, what does that say about them?
My husband wasn’t perfect, neither am I, but we loved each other with our imperfections.
My husband deserved a medal for putting up with me, yes….; but he had the power all along to bring out the best in me.
In the end, he was the perfect husband, and I think in the end I was the perfect submissive wife.
However, what we have been through, still hurt, so much so, that I won’t wish that unto anyone, for sure not to my own children.
It hurt so much that I will never even consider to remarry. No man can ever compare anyway. The standard my husband set even in the worst of times in our marriage, was extremely high. So I pray my children will remember his example. And expect nothing less for they’re future marriages, which I have been praying for since they we’re small.
I also pray only good things over all marriages.
I am still struggling to share what I am being nudged to share. There is an incredible stronghold and attack at the moment, but I am trying to be obedient.
In the end. I am a willing instrument to God.
His will will be done.
28 August 2022
This is really painful to share, and it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to get the message accross exactly as I want.
For me and my husband it is forever too late.
Appreciate what you have in your marriage.
Fight for it, with God.
Don’t allow other people to steal your happiness.
Just pray blessings and good things over marriages.
Love, peace and blessings,
Daisy
PS:
As always, excuse the mistakes. I have OCD, but I am not a perfectionist..
Still a work in progress. (Always & Forever)
Please contact me with any advice on how to improve. :) )
To find out more about Herbalife or our farm guestshouse, send me a message in CONTACT.
DISCLAIMER:
These are my thoughts based on the story and testimonies of my life story, to whom I give God all the glory for. I respect people of all walks of life and all religions. However, I choose to believe and stay grounded in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
This blog is not perfect as I planned it.
In 2 days, it is my husband’s 5th death date anniversary.
I am sad, emotional and tired.
It feels like things are a mess and out of control, yet we still have so much more to be thankful for.
As our church message so beautiful was this morning, we have HOPE!
Please look out for future blogs more about Bible verses for happy marriage and also how to plan for the unfortunate situation, if ever becoming a widow.
